Tóng Xìng Liàn Zhě

On Friday night I had what might possibly be the strangest experience of my life.  We went to a rock club here to listen to a friend’s band play.  They were sort of a heavy band, but sort of nu-metal, not old school.  At any rate, we all got nice and shithammered.  I was standing at the bar, wrecked, when this Chinese guy next to me asked where I was from.  Now, this happens all the time in China, people ask you where you’re from and they talk to you for (a) the novelty of talking to a foreigner ("How do you like China? etc.) and (b) to practice their English skills.

These two guys were sort of mid-30s to mid-40s, wearing business casual, and completely shitfaced.  I told him I was American, and they told me that they worked for Motorola and had been to many cities in America.  One of them showed me his phone, which was an engineering prototype of the next generation RAZR.  They asked what I was drinking (Jack & Coke, of course) and insisted on buying me one.  No problem.  Then the time for the next round came and I said, “I’ll get this one.”

“No no no no no!  This is difference between China and America.  In America people take turn to pay for drink.  In China, the guest no pay.” Okay, fine, if you guys want to buy me drinks all night knock yourselves out.

So after maybe 30 minutes of talking to these guys, who seemed nice enough, one of them says, “Are you ready to go home and go to bed?”

“Excuse me???”

“You want go home and go to bed?”

“What do you mean?”

“I love you.”

I was in utter disbelief.  These guys were a couple of homos trying to pick me up.  Now, imagine the situation.  We were in a hole in the wall metal bar.  Other than the friends of the band there was almost nobody in there.  I was dressed like a 14 year old boy, unkempt and unshaven.  I’m also a huge 6’5” doofus.  So there was nothing about the club I was at, the way I was dressed, or the way I was acting to in any way indicate that I might be interested in some hot man-on-man action.  If I’d been better dressed, and we were in a techno club or something, then okay, maybe I could see gay guys going there to pick up other guys.  But there are gay bars here in Beijing, so it’s not like man action can’t be found if that’s your thing.  Honestly, many of you reading this blog know what I look like.  Is there ANYTHING about me that would cause someone’s gaydar to go off?  I look like I should be a welder or something.

Anyway, when the guy told me he loved me I said, “What???  Get the fuck away from me you piece of shit.” I wasn’t so much offended at the idea of some guy trying to pick me up, it was more that they had been acting like any old regular Chinese guys who want to talk to a foreigner, except they surreptitiously wanted to do me up the pooper.

Coincidentally, it was right at this moment that one of my friends came up and said we were leaving to go to another place, so I once again told these two guys to go fuck themselves—literally—and left.  I swear to God, this city is nothing but one series of surprises after another.

Awkwaaard!  Holy shit pulling a stunt like that at the metal bars I know of is a one way ticket to the ICU.  Are gays taboo in china or accepted?  Hitting on a straight guy is one thing but being so deceptive is a fast way to end up missing.

Or maybe they were trying to sell you a time share.... Just a thought!

Maybe they didn’t want you to be the catcher; maybe they wanted some Lao Wang!  (punny, right? don’t kill me)

Well heck, Lee, you should’ve take them up on their offer. They would have been humiliated by the size of your Long March. “Hory crap, are we have are smarr brack penisis! Ret’s get outta here before we get asses kicked!”

I couldn’t have sex with them even if I wanted to.  They don’t sell Trojan Magnum XL’s here.  There’s no market among the small Chinese penises.

To much info LEE!

“Long March” Heehee I like that. (in a total non-ghey way of course.  NTTAWWT.)

“Screel! Screel rike a pig!”

That is just so funny, maybe they werent guys! - yes weird and unexpected things happen all the time in China.

“Is there ANYTHING about me that would cause someone’s gaydar to go off?  I look like I should be a welder or something.”

Because, as we all know, only florists and figure skaters are gay...am I right?? 

No, there are gay welders of course.  But you have to be honest, if you were looking for a gay man, you’d have far more success in the florist and figure skating worlds than you would welders.

My basic point is that, of all the personal characteristics that society uses to determine whether someone is gay or not, I don’t have any of them.  So there was no reason for these guys to think that I would be gay.  Like I said, it wasn’t the gay part that bothered me, it was the deception.

why don’t you ask your Chinese friends if there was anything about the guys in the bar that would telegraph to other Chinese that those guys were gay. I mean, maybe they had pink socks on and you didn’t notice?!...you know what I mean.....

I’m a gay brit in china and im just wondering did they give you their mobile number by any chance? hehe

why don’t you ask your Chinese friends if there was anything about the guys in the bar that would telegraph to other Chinese that those guys were gay. I mean, maybe they had pink socks on and you didn’t notice?!...you know what I mean.....

I actually did.  Not one person noticed anything overtly gay about them.  They looked like just what they said they were, a couple of engineers from Motorola.

I’m a gay brit in china and im just wondering did they give you their mobile number by any chance? hehe

Believe it or not they did, but I tossed it on the ground in front of them before I left to make a point.

I am loving this!

Bear is an affectionate gay slang term for those in the bear communities, a subculture in the gay community and an emerging subset of LGBT communities with events, codes and culture specific identity.

Bears tend to have hairy bodies and facial hair; some are heavy-set; some project an image of working-class masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hyper-masculine image; some may shun interaction with men who display effeminate style and mannerisms, although some actually exhibit these traits themselves. The bear concept can function as an identity, an affiliation, and an ideal to live up to, and there is ongoing debate in bear communities about what constitutes a bear.

Oh definitely, I’m, familiar with the term “bear” in this context.  But it’s also safe to assume that most large men with hairy bodies and a masculine alpha-male appearance are not bears.  If you go around hitting on every alleged bear you see, you’re going to end up with a lot of ass-beatings from working-class Joes who aren’t as open-minded to the gay world as I am. 

Now, if you see a bear giving you the eye, or he’s in a bar known to be frequented by homosexuals and/or bears, then of course it’s a reasonable assumption.  But I was in a heavy metal bar watching a band with a group of friends, there were a number of girls with us, and I sure as hell wasn’t giving off any “gay vibes” being unshaven, drunk, and dressed like a 15 year old kid at a Korn concert.

I think what I was dealing with were just a couple of drunk Chinese homos who made a very poor decision. 

My basic point is that, of all the personal characteristics that society uses to determine whether someone is gay or not, I don’t have any of them.

You have one important characteristic:  A penis.