Thai Food and Dumb Bastards
Here’s another great anecdote I forgot to write about. I told you the story about going computer equipment shopping with our IT guy from work. He’s Chinese, so he obviously speaks the language fluently. After our shopping was concluded I took him out to dinner. We ate Thai, which he had never had before. He told me to order for the both of us. The menu was huge, and I noticed a couple of sampler platters of various items, so I ordered those. I also got some garlic shrimp, some asparagus, and some pad thai. As I was ordering the waitress said to my friend, “That’s a lot of food you’re ordering.”
Now, I get this a lot. Usually the person saying it is a little Chinese waitress, about 4’11” and 102 lbs. Of course it’s a lot of food. Inevitably the food always gets eaten—the lao wei have big appetites. My friend and I had a few beers and shot the shit, then the food started coming. Jesus, Mary, and Glaven! When I hear “sampler platter” I think of a small portion of different types of food, hence the word “sample.” This was a full serving of each portion of food on a gigantic plate. The plates were so big that they ended up taking the entire table. Take a look at this.
Needless to say we only ended up eating about a third of this, the rest I took home and ate later. It was delicious nonetheless, but a bit pricey, even for China, though still less than half of what it would have cost back home.
Part Two of the adventure came in the cab. It took us about 15 minutes in the freezing cold to find a taxi. Our office was roughly halfway between where we were at and my house, so my friend told me just to drop him off at work. He told the cabbie in perfect Chinese where I wanted to go. The guy had no idea where it was. He then told him it was at the San Yuan Bridge (Sanyuanqiao), a very famous bridge that all cabbies in Beijing know. He didn’t know where that was, either, so my friend gave him detailed instructions on how to get there.
While we were driving I began telling him about what I did the previous weekend, and in the course of doing so I mentioned that I met my friend at the North Gate of Worker’s Stadium, which in Chinese is “Gong Ti Bei Men.” The cabbie heard me say this and his ears pricked up. “Gong tie bei men?” My friend then explained that I was just telling a story, that we didn’t want to go to Worker’s Stadium, and that he should continue on to the 3rd Ring Road, which is where our office is located. Eventually we made it to the office, my friend jumped out, and I continued on my way home.
To get from the office to my house is a straight shot down the 3rd Ring Road. You go down until you hit the San Yuan Bridge, then U-turn. (U-turn in Chinese is “diaou tou”—I hope I’m spelling that right—which is pronounced “deeyow toe,” with an upward pronunciation on the “toe.” As we approached the San Yuan Bridge the conversation went something like this. Remember, I speak about 20 words of Chinese.
“Blah blah lah Gong Tie Bei Men blah blah blah?”
“Bu, wo bu yao Gong Tie Bei Men.” (No, me no want Worker’s Stadium North Gate.)
“Blah blah blah blah blah blah Sanyuanqiao blah blah blah”
“Sanyuanqiao diaou tou. Wo qu Feng Huang Cheng.” (U-turn at San Yuan Bridge. Take me to Phoenix City)
“Blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
We drive right past the San Yuan Bridge exit.
“Hey, asshole! Diaou tou, diaou tou! Feng Huang Cheng!”
“Blah blah blah Gong Tie Bei Men blah blah blah?”
“No, you dumb fuck! Wo bu yao Gong Tie Bei Men. Diaou tou!” I point towards Phoenix City. “Wo qu niga!” (Take me that!)
He gets off at the next exit and almost misses the U-turn lane.
“Diaou tou, dickhead!”
“Blah blah blah diaou tou?”
“Diaou tou, shi! Dui! Diaou tou!” (U-turn, yes! Correct! U-turn!)
“Blah blah blah Gong Tie Bei Men?”
“No, dumb fuck, wo bu Gong Tie Bei Men! Diaou tou!”
He U-turns. Eventually I got the dumb bastard to go where I needed to.
You know on American Idol, when Simon Cowell describes someone as the worst singer in the world? Well, this guy was the dumbest cabbie the universe. Not only was he given instructions in Chinese by a native speaker, he had me pointing at the building I wanted to go to, giving him directions in Chinese, and he still couldn’t figure out where to go.
It’s just part of the charm of the place
