Friday, August 08, 2008

This Is China

The opening ceremonies are on right now/ They’re SPECTACULAR.  Like most Olympic ceremonies they introduce the world to the culture of the host nation, and when you have a culture an ancient and mysterious and intriguing as China’s there is a lot of material to work with.  I have developed a real affinity and respect for the Chinese and their culture during my year here, and I almost feel a sense of pride that the world is being introduced to it as well.  For at least the past six months I’ve been dreading the Olympics, because I’ve viewed it primarily as an opportunity for western hippie activists to come over here and get out whatever message they feel needs getting out:  “Meat is Murder,” “Free Tibet,” “George Bush is Satan,” what have you.  But for now what we’re seeing is the Olympics as they’re supposed to be, and I have to admit, it’s AWESOME.  It’s an amazing experience watching this on TV and knowing that it’s taking place ten minutes from where I live.

You guys in the US will see it later on today, undoubtedly with Bob Costas’ annoying voice talking over the whole thing.  “What we’re seeing here represents the 13 warrior monks of Xinjang, who in the 11th century did blah blah blah.”

Screw it.  Watch it, enjoy it, and get a little taste of this country.  Because for all the shit that we lao wei have to put up with, this really is an amazing place to live.

The Night Before

Tomorrow the city of Beijing has given all the workers the day off so then can enjoy the Olympics.  Consequently I ended up getting shithammered with my friends.  It’s past 5am now, I’ve been home a half hour or so.  There were definitely more Olympic tourists than have been in previous days, but it still seemed pretty deserted, considering the Sanlitun area’s reputation.  Tomorrow are the ceremonies, I just hope they go off without a hitch.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

She Likes It In A London Fog

Yesterday the US Olympic cycling team arrived in Beijing and were wearing black masks, which they claimed were for heath reasons but I think were a clever form of protest.  At any rate, today the gutless twits at the USOC made them apologize.  (See link for pictures of the mask.)

The four United States cyclists who wore pollution-cutting masks as they arrived at the airport here this week apologized to Olympic organizers Wednesday, insisting that they wore the masks for health reasons and did not mean to insult the host country.

Track cyclists Mike Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Bobby Lea and Jennie Reed drafted their apology after meeting with Steve Roush, the chief of sport performance for the United States Olympic Committee.

Their statement, sent through the U.S.O.C., said wearing the masks “was in no way meant to serve as an environmental or political statement.”

“We deeply regret the nature of our choices,” it said, adding that the choice to wear the masks was not meant to belittle the Olympic organizers “who have put forth a tremendous amount of effort to improve the air quality in Beijing.”

Uh, no.  This is a city where the citizens routinely walk around in surgical masks to avoid breathing in the filth in the air.  It’s not like the US Olympic team did anything that, on any given day, you won’t find hundreds of Chinese doing exactly the same thing.

Before I moved to Beijing I lived in California, which has spent the better part of the past 30 years enacting stringent pollution controls to clean its air.  I spent time in both Los Angeles and San Francisco, so I’m familiar with “fog.” I used to watch the fog roll in off the ocean over the hills of Sausalito.  Prior to that I was in Houston, so I have familiarity with polluted American cities.  Beijing is ten times worse than all of these cities combined.

The Chinese government never refers to pollution as “pollution” or “filth,” only as fog.  (It needs to be said that Chinese residents of Beijing understand perfectly well that this is pollution and refer to it as such all the time.) Well, this is the “fog” which I could see from my living room at 8:00 this morning.

That big hole in the ground you see on the right hand side is the future site of the Intercontinental Hotel.  (Or maybe one of the other major chains, I forget, but it’s going to be a big hotel.) It needs to be pointed out that I live more or less half way between two major Olympic venues, the Bird’s Nest and Worker’s Stadium.

In part I understand why the Chinese did this. They had seven years from being awarded the games to do a total makeover, to turn “the Jing” (as we foreign devils call it) into a gleaming modern city which they could show off to the world.  You can’t do that at the same time as you enact serious pollution controls.  Then, a few years ago, someone came up with a brilliant idea.  “Hey, how about we pollute all we like, then two months before the games we take half the cars off the road, stop all construction, and close all the factories.  That should clear the air in time, right?”

This is what the USOC describes as a “tremendous amount of effort to improve the air quality in Beijing.”

Seems insane, but that’s exactly what they tried to do.  And, remember, it worked perfectly, because this isn’t filth, it’s fog.  And now, if you’ll excuse me, I now have to go take a shower in some of Beijing’s undrinkable water so I can go outside and breathe in this harmless fog during the taxi ride to work.

(Explanation of the title to this post here.)

You Bastard

From this post.

Ultimately, five cartoon figures (an Olympic record) emerged, representing a fish, a panda, a Tibetan antelope, a swallow and the Olympic flame. Their two-syllable names, when lined up correctly, combine to spell out “Beijing welcomes you” in Chinese.  … Beijing residents created their own Fuwa—a duck, a dragonfly and a taxi—whose names spell out “bastard” in Beijing slang.

Here I proudly present the Beijing Fuwa, which spell “bastard” in Beijing slang.

The first characters, bei jing huan ying ni, mean “Beijing Welcomes You.” The final three characters, the duck, dragonfly, and taxi, mean ya ting de, or “bastard” in Beijing slang. So this more or less means “Beijing welcomes you, you bastard”

That’s awesome.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Jumping the Gun

I’m honestly surprised that the protests have started as early as they have.  At work today we were asking ourselves, how the hell did anyone manage to climb a light pole so close to the Bird’s Nest?  That’s one of the most heavily secure areas in the city right now.  How come the police didn’t stop them five seconds after they started climbing the pole? 

Part of me thinks there is a method to this madness.  I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’ve seen the security here.  I can’t imagine that the security forces wouldn’t have been able to get to that light pole sooner.

From Bad to Worse

Oh man, this is really going to suck.

Other protests today included a low-key demonstration by three Americans who stood in Tiananmen Square - well after the torch had passed through - to shout a denunciation of China’s population control policies. Police allowed them to leave the area after questioning them briefly.

Journalists received messages summoning them to two hotel rooms in Beijing containing dummies splattered with red paint. The walls had been defaced with slogans including: “One World, Our Nightmare” - a play on the Olympic “One World, One Dream” message - and a list of jailed dissidents. It was not clear who carried out the protest.

The US swimmer Amanda Beard, an Athens 2004 gold medallist, unveiled an anti-fur advert outside the Olympic village after the authorities prevented her from her staging a news conference in a hotel for “safety” reasons.

The government has designated zones for protest in parks around the city, but human rights campaigners warn that Chinese citizens will be deterred from taking part by the fear of reprisals and several groups have already been denied permits.

Other activists have been unable to enter the country. Team Darfur, a coalition of athletes seeking to draw attention to the conflict in Sudan, said that Beijing yesterday revoked the visa of its co-founder and Olympic gold medallist Joey Cheek.

He called the decision “part of a systemic effort by the Chinese government to coerce and threaten athletes who are speaking out on behalf of the innocent people of Darfur”.

A few weeks from now all these foreign devils will be gone, and all of Beijing’s lao wei are going to take the heat.

Meet the Hippies

And thus it begins.

Iain Thom, 24 from Edinburgh and Lucy Marion, 23, from London were seized along with two American protestors after they scaled lamp-posts outside the ‘Birds Nest’ Stadium to make their protest.

The demonstration was one of a number of protests to highlight Tibet and religious freedom which took place around Beijing to coincide with the arrival of the Olympic torch in Tiananmen Square.

Ms Marion, 23, who grew up in Cambridge and now lives in London is a graduate of Bristol University and, according to the activists’ website, has been campaigning for Tibetan rights since visiting Tibet in 2003.

Mr Thom, a grass roots co-ordinator for Students for a Free Tibet UK climbed a 120ft lamppost with an American protestor, Phill Bartell, 34 from Colorado, to string up a 200ft-long banner.

The message, “One World, One Dream: Free Tibet” – a parody of the official “One World, One Dream” slogan of the Beijing Olympics – remained on display for more than an hour before Chinese police moved in, the activists claimed.

Mr Thom spoke by mobile telephone to ABC News, saying he entered China on a tourist visa.

He said: “I’ll probably get detained by the police and then ejected out of the country but I believe it’s not anywhere near the risk or the fear that Tibetans are living under the occupation of the Chinese government.”

What an utterly pointless gesture.  This numbnuts has no idea that he’s just set back his own cause.  China suffered for centuries under the occupation of various western powers.  The Olympics are, in a way, their means of showing to the world that they don’t need foreigners telling them what to do.  Now we’ve got a whole new generation of activist jackoffs like these guys who will do nothing but stir up Chinese nationalism and turn a whole new generation of Chinese against foreigners.  As I’ve said in many previous posts, the Chinese don’t view the world the way we do.  If we want to affect change in their society we need to do it on their terms, not ours, and pulling these kinds of stunts are not the way to win the hearts and minds of the Chinese people. 

“Look at these fucking foreign barbarians, coming into our country and telling us how to deal with an internal matter that has nothing to do with them.  Who the hell do they think they are?  Do they think we’re so stupid that we need their instructions?”

But hey, at least the hippies will feel really good about themselves, and all the other dreadlocked, smelly losers back home will think they’re super, super awesome.

Big Fat Bastard

Well, I put on a few pounds over the last few weeks, but I’m back down to 139.  Not as far down as I was but still in the range of acceptable.

Update: Make that 239.  I haven’t weighed 139 since I was about four.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

There Was Something in the Air That Night

From the latest edition of DUH Magazine…

Smog returned to Beijing’s skies on Monday, despite claims by Chinese officials that drastic anti-pollution measures had slashed the chances of Olympic events having to be rescheduled.

The familiar murky air seen in the capital reduced visibility to a few hundred metres (yards) just four days before the Olympic opening ceremony.

The poor air followed three days of blue skies, that had led Chinese officials to trumpet the success of drastic anti-pollution measures.

“I believe the likelihood of rescheduling sporting events due to air quality concerns is very low,” said Fan Yuansheng, director of pollution control at the Ministry of Environmental Protection, according to the state-run China Daily.

Remember, when you see all the filth in the air on the TV, give a little thought to we poor, helpless lao wei who have to live in this shit day after day.

Better than Baywatch

The final episode of MASH is the all-time largest TV audience in American history with 120 million viewers.  But that’s not good enough for China.

BEIJING—Hijinx Of The Masses, a Chinese sitcom about 16 twentysomethings who live above a tea shop, was canceled Monday after the series premiere was only able to draw a disappointing 180 million viewers. “We were aware that the show would be competing with dragon-boat races on ESPN Macau, but Hijinx Of The Masses still performed much worse than expected,” China Central Television network executive Wei Xiang said. “Anything less than a quarter of a billion viewers is simply unacceptable.” In order to fill the time slot left by the canceled program, the actors, producers, writers, camera operators, and everyone else associated with the show will be executed live on air next Thursday at 9 p.m

For those of you who don’t have a sense of humor, this is a parody.  Although, watching a bunch of TV scum executed live on TV does have a certain sense of le mot juste about it.

A Tale of Two Erections

The city of Beijing was awarded the Olympic Games by the IOC on July 13, 2001.  Since then the government has spared no expense in revitalizing and creating a vibrant, modern environment for the world to see.  Old buildings have been torn down and new gleaming skyscrapers erected in their places.  As I have written before, until recently there was construction going on here 24 hours a day.  From my living room window I can see completed buildings which were nothing more than skeletal beams of steel when I arrived late last year.

On September 11, 2001, Islamic terrorists flew planes into the Pentagon and World Trade Center.  Here’s the Google Map, taken today, of the latter location.

The Chinese have built an entire city in roughly the same time that we have built, well, a smoking hole in the ground.  What a fucking embarrassment this is for the United States.  Despite all the pledges of building something even better, more impressive, more indicative of American resolve and determination, we still have a giant fucking dirt hole.

Disgraceful.

Back to Chinese TV

Just to give you a gauge of how dead things are here, there isn’t a single pirate DVD shop that I know of which is still operating.  Not one.  I’m sure they’re like exclusive underground things.

The first rule of DVD club is that you do not talk about DVD club.  The second rule about DVD club is that YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT DVD CLUB.

If any readers are local to BJ and know of a place which is still operating, let me know.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Makin’ Bank

Last night I had an interesting conversation with the owner of a popular establishment down in the Sanlitun area, the bar streets where people go to party.  For obvious reasons I will not identify this establishment, whether the proprietor was male or female, nor whether the place was a bar or restaurant.

The proprietor informed us that they (to use the generic asexual form of “he” or “she") had been visited by representatives of the Chaoyang police department.  They were told, explicitly, that if any foreign reporter asks how business is going they are to state unequivocally that “business has never been better.” The fact is that because of the draconian security restrictions that have been in place for the past few months business has never been worse.  This particular person said that their establishment was making about 20% of their usual daily take on the weekends.  That’s right, a week before the Olympics and they’re operating at 80% less intake than normal.  Hotels are reporting that the usual summer tourist season has resulted in their operating with less than 50% of their usual occupancy.

The proprietor did, however, confirm the untruth of one particularly nasty rumor, one I blogged on previously.

“Uniformed Public Security Bureau officers came into the bar recently and told me not to serve black people or Mongolians,” said the co-owner of a western-style bar, who asked not to be named.

The local authorities have been cracking down on blacks and Mongolians in an attempt to stamp out drug dealing and prostitution ahead of the Games, the proprietors said.

We were informed that the police did inform the proprietor to be on the lookout for black men and Mongolian women since, and this is an unfortunate fact, drug dealers here are almost always black men, and young, sexily-dressed Mongolian girls are most likely prostitutes.  So there was no explicit order not to serve them, just to keep an eye on them if they happened to show up.

Just a little insider info on the no-fun Olympics.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Party Town!

So I was out getting my drink on pretty much all weekend.  We were down in the bar areas, and they were PACKED with tourists.  You couldn’t get a drink anywhere the lines at the bar were so long.  Fucking tourists with their backpacks and video cameras, coming up to you asking where you were from, and then expressing astonishment that you lived here.  It’s all Olympics, all the time.

No, I’m kidding.  Seriously.  It was fucking deserted.

The security here is so tight that here we are, a mere four days away from the Olympics, and there were only a handful of tourists here.  The security is so tight, visas so difficult to come by, that I’d honestly be surprised if I couldn’t go to one of the events and just buy a ticket at the gate.  There is no way that this city is going to fill up enough in four days to fill the Olympics. 

We went to one of the Russian clubs we always go to.  We got there around 1 or 2, when the place is hopping.  There was a single couple out on the dance floor, other than that it was deserted.  We had half a ber then walked down to another Russian joint.  More girls on the dance floor, but still only a fraction of the number of people who would usually be in there that time of night.  It’s fucking WEIRD being here now.

You can see the spies everywhere, men standing in the shadows and in alleys, with wireless earpieces, just watching everyone and everything.  You can’t have fun in that kind of environment.  I mean, those of us who live here can, because we’re sorta used to this sort of thing.  The tension is palpable, but we know how to navigate the system.  But the tourists?  They’re at the mercy of the people in the blue and white track suits who are positioned all over the city to provide guidance and help. 

They’ve had these little clocks all over the city listing the number of days, minutes, and seconds until the opening of the games.  Hopefully, once they hit zero, the clock will reset itself so that we can all look forward to when it ends.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Greatest URL Ever

Every day on my drive home from work I see a billboard.  It’s plain red with white lettering in the center.  Here’s what it says, in its entirety.

If you actually visit the website you can see that it’s a site dedicated to ping pong equipment.  Despite the stereotype the Chinese take ping pong VERY seriously here, it’s the national sport.  (Their soccer team routinely gets the shit kicked out of it.)

As for what “pooooo” has to do with ping pong, nobody can tell.  I think I’ll start a sports equipment website in the US and call it “www.shiiiiiiiiit.com.”

Oh, and for all you limey fags who call it “table tennis” it’s pīng pāng in Chinese.  And, yes, it’s named after the sound the ball makes when you hit it back and forth.